im trying, i honestly am.
 i scrafice out of love.
i speak up--
and i feel tempers flare.
remember who i am.
what ive done.
what ive endured.

i'll keep taking it all in.
i simply know no other way....




...im waiting, still waiting.

[

Current Mood

|

nerdy

]

i like when only friends can see certain things.


wink WINK.

<3

[

Current Mood

|

annoyed

]

let me just say this....
i HATE the PS3.
i HATEEEEEEEEEE it.


this is what i want to do with it:

[

Current Mood

|

calm

]

"I believe that words can help us move or keep us paralyzed, and that our choices of language and verbal tone have something—a great deal—to do with how we live our lives and whom we end up speaking with and hearing; and that we can deflect words, by trivialization, of course, but also by ritualized respect, or we can let them enter our souls and mix with the juices of our minds."
-- Adrienne Rich

yesterday we went to Rowland Heights for Marks moms funeral.
it was rough.

especially hearing his eulogy, as well as one of the other ones.


it made me realize things.
one lady said "have you told the people you love that you love them? 
tell them everyday dont wait for events like these to do so."


so yesterday i hadnt told ram i loved him.
i did later that night.

[	Current Location	|	my room.	]
[	Current Mood	|	loved	]
[	Current Music	|	my iPod on shuffle	]

its been almost 2 years since ramiro and i spent a week apart.
seeing him on sunday is what i'll look forward to...
[that and my lunch date with drea, nancy and jane --hi gf :)-- ]

other wise simple little messages like this one will keep me going....



le sigh.

fuck you san francisco.
<3

[	Current Location	|	my own world.	]
[	Current Mood	|	confused	]
[	Current Music	|	billie holiday- remixed and reimagined	]

SO THERES NO BEATING AROUND THE BUSH.
IM GOING TO CUT TO THE CHASE.

I'VE GOT A HORRIBLE HABBIT.
I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY, OR JUST FLAT OUT DROP THEM
WITH OUT WARNING.

USUALLY, CLOSE FRIENDS.

I DONT mean TO DO IT.
really i dont.

BUT ITS WHAT I DO AND HOW IVE BEEN SINCE I COULD REMEMBER.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL READ THIS AND THINK RIGHT AWAY:
yea that bitch is talking about me.

AND YOURE PROBABLY RIGHT.
IN A MATTER OF A YEAR I THINK I GRADUALLY PULLED MYSELF AWAY
FROM FRIENDS OUT OF NO WHERE.

WHEN THEY CALL ME OUT ON IT...
I deny deny deny.
I MAKE EXUSES, IGNORE, AND DEFLECT.

and i do it all just to sway the attention away from the real reason i disappear.

IM USE TO BEING ALONE.
HAVING MANY AQUAINTENCES, VERY FEW FRIENDS.

I'VE BEEN fucked over BY ALMOST EVERY PERSON IVE GROWN CLOSE TO.
SO AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM...
I RETREAT.

JUST FOR A WHILE.
SOMETIMES A FEW DAYS.
A WEEK.
A YEAR.

IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHEN I GET MY FEET BACK ON THE GROUND.
AND TAKE THE TAIL OUT FROM BETWEEN MY LEGS.


sometimes i get rather upset when i read something concerning
our friendship, or lack of one.

AND THOSE ARE YOUR FEELINGS.
AND THEY ARE COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE.


BUT IF IM CONTINUING TO BE HONEST...
it frustrates me to read it.

IM MAD THAT I MADE YOU ALL FEEL THAT WAY.
AND IM MAD THAT youre making me feel guilty.
GUILTY FOR TAKING TIME TO BE alone IN A SENSE.

ITS QUITE SELFISH, I KNOW.

I AM A SELFISH PERSON.
I'LL NEVER DENY THAT.

AND I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT GUILT IS JUST CAUSED BY YOUR CONSCIENCE 
TELLING YOU MAYBE YOUVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG.

AND I APOLOGIZE.
NOT FOR MY SELFISHNESS.
BUT FOR MY INABILITY TO BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT WHY I DO WHAT I DO.

I'VE NEVER ONCE LOOKED INSIDE MYSELF AND REMOVED ANY OF YOU FROM MY HEART.
ITS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO THAT.

BECAUSE THERES A REASON I BECAME SO CLOSE TO YOU.
THERES A REASON I TRUSTED YOU.


I JUST NEEDED SPACE.
TO CENTER MYSELF.

AND ITS DIFFICULT TO PHATHOM HOW I CAN SAY THAT...
YET I HAVE THIS BIG GROUP OF other FRIENDS THAT IM WITH ALL THE TIME.
DONT EVER THINK I CHOOSE THEM OVER ANY OF YOU.
never think that.

ITS JUST A PART OF THE CRAZINESS THAT IS ME.
ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN WHATS IN MY HEAD.

I ALWAYS KEEP YOU ALL DEAR TO ME AS FRIENDS.
I MAY NOT ANSWER YOUR CALL.
I MAY NOT REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGE.

BUT I WILL never ever DENY YOUR FRIENDSHIP.


IM NOT THE TYPE TO FEEL LIKE I SHOULD EXPLAIN MYSELF TO ANY ONE.
I DO WHAT I FEEL IS RIGHT FOR ME.
AND THATS THAT.

SO FOR ME TO DO THIS MEANS IVE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT THE PAST FEW MONTHS.

send me a text.
or an aim.
or even a message on ms.

YOU DONT HAVE TO...
IM SURE YOURE TIRED OF HOLDING OUT YOUR HAND TO ME.
AND THATS FINE.

i just deal with things differently.
and those of you who know me well should definitely know im hard to follow.
im selfdestructive.
i always act like i know whats good for me.
but i dont.

i make many mistakes.
quite a few of them being my ignorance of some important friendships.

i really do apologize.
maybe someday you'll accept me for my selfishness, forgive, and understand.

someday?

[	Current Location	|	home	]
[	Current Mood	|	sick	]
[	Current Music	|	grease	]

ITS OFFICIAL.
I'VE GOT TONSILLITIS.



GROSS HUH?
AMOXICILLIN HERE I COME!

[	Current Location	|	562	]
[	Current Mood	|	sleepy	]
[	Current Music	|	glassjaw - ape dos mil	]

I REALLY SHOULD BE LAYING DOWN, RESTING.
INSTEAD I AM HERE.
DRINKING MY HOT TEA [calamansi juice and honey included please]
AND WANDERING THROUGH THIS THING CALLED THE world wide web.

SWEATER COMES OFF.
SWEATER GOES ON.
MY BODY CANT SEEM TO REGULATE ITSELF.
YET MY MIND IS STEADY.
I FEEL SOME SORT OF RANT COMING ON.


[hold that thought... tim the tool man taylor just did the grunt-- i laughed && lost my concentration]                                                                  



BACK TO MY INITIAL notion.
THE RAMBLING IVE BEEN LONGING TO RELEASE FROM THE MOMENT I STARTED
"lurking" THE www.




WITH THE NEW YEAR, EVERYONE SEEMS TO 
EMBARK ON THE MOST OBVIOUS CLICHÉS.

WE ALL WANT TO START ANEW, MOVE ON WITH LIFE.
CUT THE FAT.
LET GO OF THE PAST.
FORGET ABOUT CERTAIN PEOPLE.
FORGIVE && FORGET.
BITE MY TONGUE
SO ON, SO FORTH.

I JUST laugh.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE ALL SAID THOSE THINGS?
many a time im sure.
AND  HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE THEN PURSUED THE ACHIEVEMENT OF IT WHOLE HEARTEDLY.
a fraction of it, im positive.

I THINK THESE THINGS ARE SAID IN VAIN.
IM SURE THERES A GENUINE WANT BEHIND IT.
BUT I DONT THINK THERES ENOUGH AMBITION TO POWER IT.


LIFE WOULD BE TOO SIMPLE IF WE SAID THESE THINGS...
MADE THESE PROMISES AND ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THROUGH.

WE ARE ALL sinners.
EVEN THE purest OF US.

WE ARE ALL SADOMASOCHIST.
DEEP down.

WE ENJOY THE PAIN CAUSED BY DRAMA.
IT HELPS TO REMIND US WHAT WE'RE WORTH.
IT HELPS US REMEMBER HOW IMPORTANT WE ARE TO OTHER PEOPLE.

THERE'S NO NEED TO DENY IT.
YOU love THE attention.

ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE WE ARE ABOVE IT ALL.
WE ARE ALL guilty OF THE SAME sins.

SOME OF US JUST HIDE IT BETTER.